Oh Lordie…my eyes have seen the glory!!! Halleluyaaaaaaah!!!! Praise George Wendt the Pats are back!
Oh silly Jets fans had a little wet tip for a few weeks….NO LONGER!
Thou art the MIGHTY NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS!
What happened this weekend? It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Yeah the Sox put themselves in an 0-2 hole but they were coming back to Fenway where they were 56-25…plus it was the Angels, right?
Yeah the Pats were on the road facing the undefeated Broncos, but they are coached by a Belichick deceitful, which usually bodes well for the OG Hooded One. At least the Celtics improved to 2-1 with a 100-93 preseason win over the Nets. Newcomer Rasheed Wallace thinks the C’s can break the Bulls regular season record of 72 wins…but I digress.
While fans in Boston are whining about the Sox finally losing at the hands of the Angels and the Pats now 3-2 with Brady looking shaky how about we look at the bright side! Yeah, I know, not very Boston of me.
Let’s start with the Sox. Did anyone really think the Sox would eliminate the Angels (Ok,so maybe we did solely because of It’s Always Sunny in Philadlephia)? Boston was under-.500 on the road this season, bats disappeared for long quiet stretches and outside of Lester you really couldn’t depend on the pitching staff down the stretch. Moving forward the Sox have a solid young nucleus with Lester, Beckett, Buccholz and Dice-K not to mention Papelbon and Bard in the bullpen. The Sox have shown a willingness to spend money every offseason even if it’s on mediocre players (hello Julio Lugo and JD Drew…thanks for the homerun yesterday though) and the Farm System continues to churn out talent either for solid trading chips or inexpensive players. The Sox definitely have some re-tooling to do before they can compete with the Yankees, however with Dice-K coming back healthy and Buccholz taking the next step I would say that is a pretty impressive makings of a rotation. Gotta imagine Tim Wakefield will be back next season and that the Sox will do their usual thing where they sign a veteran coming off an injury let’s say Ben Sheets.
The Pats also aren’t as awful as we all feel today. Remember when we ripped Josh McDaniels in the preseason? The team is 3-2 on the season with both losses coming in close games on the road against two of the best teams in the conference at this point. It obviously doesn’t help that the losses were to the Jets and Josh McDaniels but we have to focus on the big picture.
Tom Brady is still shaking the rust off a pretty debilitating injury (and his bodyguards shooting at paparazzi during his wedding), and the inexperienced defense will only get better with time. Not to mention the fact that Jerod Mayo went down with a knee injury to start the season and Richard Seymour was sent to the UFL, er, Oakland Raiders, right before Week 1. The Patriots will host a winless (hungry?) Tennessee Titans next week followed by a trip to London to face a winless Tampa Bay Bucaneers squad that just looks awful. At worst the Pats should be 4-3 heading into the bye before a Divisional game at home against the Dolphins. I think that’s the week the Pats will finally turn it on. If the Pats get to the halfway point at 5-3 or 6-2 with a 2-1 record in the division I’ll be feeling good about the playoffs.
Anyways, in related Boston news, Papelbon and Brady suck. Let’s trade ’em.
So everyone is sold! The Ravens have been a solid machine this season. Their defense is as strong as Ron Jeremy’s libido, and they finally have a quarterback better than Trent Dilfer, Elvis Grbak, Kyle Boller, and Anthony Wright, combined yada yada yada. But the Ravens have had a cookie schedule too. They beat a pathetic, and I mean crappier than crappy Kansas City Chiefs (why did I draft Larry Johnson as my #2 RB?). Then they snuck by the Chargers by 5 points. Finally they crushed the NFL’s most pathetic franchise currently, the Cleveland (Show) Manginas. Oh, but there is just one more thing.
Their receivers suck and the Pats will limit their offense!
Derrick Mason (freshly back from retirement), Mark Clayton (freshly back from sucking), Kelley Washington (who wasn’t even good enough to take the offensive field for the Pats and has a girl’s name), and Demetrius Williams (sounds more like Borophyl). Oh and a decent tight end named Todd Heap, who really is a heap of crap.
The Pats new, younger, and well-coached defense is coming into its own. I mean it. They are fast, furious, too fast, and too furious hell Patrick Chung is looking like a Tokyo Drift. They will eliminate the passing game and make Baltimore run it. Ya I know they’ve got two solid backs in McGahee and Ray Rice, but it’s not going to be enough. Especially since the Pats will take an early lead and the Ravens will be forced to throw. Brady is due for his first big game. This really isn’t going to be as big of a challenge as everyone thinks.
It’s kind of like when a batter goes from seeing Beckett to Wakefield…it takes an adjustment. In this case, the Ravens won’t catch their bearings until the 3rd quarter. They’ll make a comeback attempt but it will fall short. Going from the Browns to the Patriots is like going from Roseanne to Gisele. Something to get up for, but you’re not used to such greatness, and you won’t know what to do with it. By the time you finally figure it out, you’ve busted!!!
Pats 27 Ravens 19. That’s the final score.
Editor’s note: Rudy Huxtible (spelled incorrectly due to fantastic fact checking) is a major homer and has never once predicted a Pats loss.
From The Sporting News:
Perhaps the biggest surprise of the 2009 season is that the New England Patriots have looked like a middle-of-the-pack team.
Even with quarterback Tom Brady more motivated than ever a year after tearing an ACL to start the 2008 season, the Patriots can’t get it done like they used to.
Sure, their late-game heroics against the Bills in Week 1 called to mind the offense that consistently moved up and down the field in 2007. But in the other 114 minutes and 28 seconds of regular-season action, the Pats have looked decidedly un-Patriotic.
The thinking in some circles is that the Giants established the blueprint for beating the Patriots in Super Bowl 42, and the Pats haven’t figured out how to consistently beat defenses willing to throw caution at the wind in the hopes of throwing Brady’s body to the ground.
While the Pats remain in good hands with coach Bill Belichick, things will get no easier for a team that easily could have been 0-2 right now — and will face tough battles against quality teams in most of the remaining 14 games.
HAHHAHA but just a mere 6 years ago they were saying this in the New York Times after the Patriots lost their season opener to the Bills 31-0.
With a game Sunday against an equally humbled Eagles team, which was shut out, 17-0, by the Super Bowl champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Monday night, the Patriots’ future looks blurry, especially with the stalwart linebacker Ted Johnson out indefinitely with a broken foot.
I love it. In 2003 they said the future looked “blurry.” So blurry that they were about to win the next two Super Bowls. So blurry that they would throw in there an undefeated season as well as other great seasons. The Patriots have owned the NFL for most of this decade. Don’t get me wrong, there has been a share of heartache. Oh I considered jumping off the Tobin Bridge Charles Stewart style when we blew a 21-6 halftime lead to the Colts, blowing a sure trip to the Super Bowl. Reche Caldwell should die of gonnohreah and rot in hell. Oh and I surely attempted to Lorena Bobbitt myself after the perfect season was lost to a group of New York vermin in the last minute (even though the Giants committed 2 major facemasking penalities on the David Tyree play, but I digress)
The fact of the matter is, we have had all of this success and some heartache because this organization has been the tits for 9 seasons now. The Jets haven’t had heartache because their shitbag franchise has been pathetic since 1970. So excuse the Patriots for an early season garbage fest. Because after a few weeks of clicking, this team is going to start rumbling over teams. Yeah they’ll lose a few more games. And it is true, they will have their struggles. There will also, unfortunately, be a few injuries to key players.
At the end of the day the Patriots will finish 12-4 and be the favorite out of the AFC to appear in the Super Bowl. The playoffs can be a crapshoot. I’m not going to sit here and guarantee a Super Bowl win. I’ve been around long enough to know that’s a hard thing to achieve. But even Corky Thatcher agrees that you cannot judge a book by it’s cover. And you can’t judge an NFL team after two weeks.
Patriots 33 Falcons 23. This is the final score.
Former Patriots Safety, Rodney Harrison, is up to his old tricks except this time he won’t be able to back up his talk on the field since he is still retired.
“I respect Kerry Rhodes as a playmaker but he’s not a tough guy,” Harrison said on Michael Kay’s radio show on ESPN-1050. “OK, I’ve seen him turn down tackles many a time. As far as him talking about them wanting to embarrass us, I can understand that. But let’s stay a little humble. Because when you start talking like that you really set yourself up to put all the pressure (on the Jets).”
Rhodes came out swinging on his Twitter account, saying: “I’m detecting a lil jealousy from @rodneyh37 he must wish he was playing 2morrow. My talent outweighs his ask belichick.”
Does Kerry Rhodes really believe this tactic will work for the Jets? Is it 1pm yet? Let’s hope Dr. J’s prediction is right and the Pats pick apart Dirty Sanchez.
In case you’re bored and still reading this post here is a link to the aforementioned Harry Dunne scene from Dumb and Dumber involving ex-lax.
9:19 AM: Wake up just in time to catch the end of Regis and Kelly.
10:04 AM: Since he ran out of Barbasol in 1982, today he will shave with his wife’s Schick Intuition and a dousing of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
10:09 AM: After much debate, he smells his pits and decides that he can go another day without a shower.
10:19 AM: Considers beating his wife because she forgot to pick up a new package of Jimmy Dean sausages at the Piggly Wiggly. Fortunately for her hes not going to go up the stairs again.
10:22 AM: Decides to just eat the last 2 original recipe pieces from last nights leftover KFC. So damn hungry, he puts it in the microwave for 26 seconds just to get the fried skin “warm..I dont care if the inside is cold as a reindeer’s ass on Christmas Eve.”
11:02AM: Arrives at Hofstra to work out the team but gets sidetracked at the Student Union Food Court.
12:57 PM: Finally calls first practice of the day. Offense: Watch film of the 1999 Rams and become them. Defense: Watch film of the 2000 Ravens and become them. Special Teams: Kick and punt. Intern Ray: Go get me some Five Guys Burgers & Fries.
3:06PM: Practice is done for the day. Intern Ray: Go get me some Five Guys Burgers & Fries. Get me some of that Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked shit too. 2 of them.
4:01PM: Call Jets season ticket holders and ask them to bring fecal matter in a bag and throw it at the Patriots. Preferably human.
4:29Pm: Drive home. Lift up belly and try to masturbate.
5:23: Stop by Old Country Buffet. Eat and when the check comes remind them who his Dad is.
5:59: Stop by Hometown Buffet. Eat and when the check comes remind them who Dad is.
6:41 PM: Stop by Golden Corral. Eat and when the check comes remind them who Dad is.
7:45 PM: Drive home. Lift up belly and try to masturbate.
8:33 PM: Do power hour on the internet with Ted Marchibroda and Wayne Fontes.
9:16 PM-11:48 PM: Take the day’s shit.
11:50 PM: Forget to wipe.
12:00 AM: Late night run to Mobil Mart for Hot Fries and Slim Jimms.
12:18 AM: Lift up belly and masturbate. Go to bed.