9:19 AM: Wake up just in time to catch the end of Regis and Kelly.
10:04 AM: Since he ran out of Barbasol in 1982, today he will shave with his wife’s Schick Intuition and a dousing of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
10:09 AM: After much debate, he smells his pits and decides that he can go another day without a shower.
10:19 AM: Considers beating his wife because she forgot to pick up a new package of Jimmy Dean sausages at the Piggly Wiggly. Fortunately for her hes not going to go up the stairs again.
10:22 AM: Decides to just eat the last 2 original recipe pieces from last nights leftover KFC. So damn hungry, he puts it in the microwave for 26 seconds just to get the fried skin “warm..I dont care if the inside is cold as a reindeer’s ass on Christmas Eve.”
11:02AM: Arrives at Hofstra to work out the team but gets sidetracked at the Student Union Food Court.
12:57 PM: Finally calls first practice of the day. Offense: Watch film of the 1999 Rams and become them. Defense: Watch film of the 2000 Ravens and become them. Special Teams: Kick and punt. Intern Ray: Go get me some Five Guys Burgers & Fries.
3:06PM: Practice is done for the day. Intern Ray: Go get me some Five Guys Burgers & Fries. Get me some of that Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked shit too. 2 of them.
4:01PM: Call Jets season ticket holders and ask them to bring fecal matter in a bag and throw it at the Patriots. Preferably human.
4:29Pm: Drive home. Lift up belly and try to masturbate.
5:23: Stop by Old Country Buffet. Eat and when the check comes remind them who his Dad is.
5:59: Stop by Hometown Buffet. Eat and when the check comes remind them who Dad is.
6:41 PM: Stop by Golden Corral. Eat and when the check comes remind them who Dad is.
7:45 PM: Drive home. Lift up belly and try to masturbate.
8:33 PM: Do power hour on the internet with Ted Marchibroda and Wayne Fontes.
9:16 PM-11:48 PM: Take the day’s shit.
11:50 PM: Forget to wipe.
12:00 AM: Late night run to Mobil Mart for Hot Fries and Slim Jimms.
12:18 AM: Lift up belly and masturbate. Go to bed.