Two of my favorite things in the world start up in the next week. First, the NFL kicks off this Thursday, then, the following Thursday, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia begins. So, why not take a look at the AFC East and how it relates to Always Sunny?
The New England Patriots – Dennis
Both the Patriots and Dennis are the best looking and, sometimes unfortunately, they know it. That cocky-ness creates problems. Need a backup quarterback? Nope. How about a defense? Fuck it, our offense is too good to bother with that stuff. Plus, since we’re so awesome, we’ll take worthless shares of the bar and turn them into Wes Welker.
The New York Jets – Mac
There’s something unsavory about the New York Jets. I don’t know whether it’s the fact that I wouldn’t leave my girlfriend around Mark Sanchez, or the increasing possibility that Rex Ryan owns at least one Duster. Like Mac, the Jets have been fucking up consistently for the past few years, despite glimmers of hope. Pulling Brett Favre off of the scrap heap to comically bad results is a typical Mac move. It doesn’t matter who in the Gang they team up with, the Jets always come off looking worse (please see: Bill Belichick, Chad Pennington, 2009-10 Larry Izzo.)
The Buffalo Bills – Sweet Dee
No one in the Gang cares about Sweet Dee, and no one in the AFC East cares about the Bills. Sweet Dee is a horrible judge of character, especially with men. Sounds like the Bills! That retard Dee dated, Lil’ Kev? Well, JP Losman was their starting QB for several years. He’ll probably tear up with UFL. Remember that asshole boyfriend Dee brought into the group that just stole money from the Gang? Oh, hi T.O. Regardless, I think T.O. fits in perfectly with the Bills/Dee. They’re both old, bad actors.
The Miami Dolphins – Charlie
WILDCARDT BITCHES! Are we going to finish 1-15 or 11-5? Fuck if they know, they’re just along for the ride. The Dolphins are not very good but that doesn’t stop them from going to either the penthouse or the outhouse very fast. Both Charlie and the Dolphins have an old, semi-crazy man guiding their day-to-day operations, though I suspect Frank Reynolds may have better taste in QB’s than Bill Parcells. Also, Tony Sparano huffs glue.