Here is the proper way to summarize a pre-season football game without the 56 hours of pre & post game coverage that you heard on the radio yesterday:
- [insert team] won or lost.
- One person did just one thing that everyone’s talking about.
- 2nd/3rd string offense/defense sucked
- Hey! Late round pick/undrafted free agent might be a longshot to make the team!
- [insert position] makes me scared!!!!
Using that formula, here’s all you need to know about last night’s game.
- The Patriots lost 7-6: It was quite a boring affair. We watched the first half in sick seats, then wandered around to see all the stadium landmarks, then hit the CBS scene. Watching the entirety of last night’s game was the equivalent of chugging a beer, huffing glue and downing cat food. Everyone fell asleep in the car on the ride home.
- Chad Ochocinco kicked an Extra Point: I love Ochocinco. Just the fact that the PA Announcer has to speak the word “Ochocinco” 6-10 times a game is reason enough to love the man. If you are not an Esteban Ochocinco fan, I only have one thing to say to you: “CHILD PLEASE.”
- 2nd/3rd string offense/defense sucked: Yup.
- Lock Brian Hoyer up, baby!: In that, he did not look functionally retarded, as “QB Of The Future Kevin O’Connell” did. Get that Spartan a Practice Squad contract, stat!
- The Secondary is questionable: For like the seemingly millionth straight year, our corners are iffy. Personally, I think they just need time to gel and get a good 4 quarters of solid action in together.
There ya go. And you didn’t even have to tune in the radio.