So Plaxico Burress, whose touchdown reception in Super Bowl 42 caused the collective Patriot fandom to bemoan the day of their own conception, is going to jail for two years for shooting himself. I repeat, Plaxico Burress is going to jail for shooting Plaxico Burress. What ever happened to Freedom of Self Mutilation in this great country? Is this sweet revenge or would you permit Asante Samuel to serve time for maiming and marring himself in exchange for him catching that softball pass that Eli Manning threw his way?
What’s next we ask? Is David Tyree going to get 12 years of hard labor for accidently roaming into North Korea? Is Eli Manning going to be given the electric chair for being a giant douchebag? Is Tom Coughlin going to return to coaching Boston College?
I’m a lawyer but I’m also a human being. And in my country shooting yourself is not a crime. What IS a crime is letting a man named Plaxico, who has the IQ of Marv the burglar from Home Alone, beat a team that was 18-0 and moments away from football immortality. For all of Bill Belichick’s genius, he let a dimwitted poor man’s Kelly Bundy, who goes to jail for 24 months for shooting himself (23 months longer than Donte Stallworth received for killing a man) beat him. A tragic story for all involved, indeed.